Staying.

i’m often undeserving of the love my friends give me. so completely unconditional, filled with such deep warmth that i cannot imagine how life would be without them.

i’ve learned to always pick carefully when i want to have people in my life. that knowing they’re the ones that’ll constantly guide me will be enough for my heart to fill part of it’s emptiness. i’m sure enough that love isn’t always what i think it is. it’s always more than just romance.

it’s like a deep connection, a bond that may or may not eventually break into two. but the memories you share, the worlds that you make together are always there, floating in the air, making it easy to reminisce about the days you spent crafting each other’s energies into one.

i know that this may not make sense, but when a friend leaves, the hurt will always stay. the hurt of a breakup will fade, but when a friend leaves, it’s like a small part of your soul has been chipped off. like the universe is carving your soul into something but the pain of the incision will always remain.

they go so easily, you see. disappear like they never meant anything to you. you see them around sometimes. you really don’t know who they’ve become. that’s the funny part about all this, the fact that when they leave you, you have no idea how they could change so much.

i imagine that broken friendships drift off into another universe. that there they prosper, unlike they did here. some people are toxic, so we raise the roof with joy that they have left us, but can’t help but feel a twinge of pain every time they’re mentioned to us. it’s almost funny how the same thing happens when you hear the name of an ex, who seems to be happy and you seem to… well not.

it’s always full circle, that’s what life is. an up and a down, a loss and a gain. you always lose someone to gain someone. i have lost many. but those i have gained and those who have stayed are those my heart will forever be indebted to.

that’s what love is, i think. staying.

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A Letter to Myself – 16.

Hi, you.

Can you believe it? You’ve reached 16.
You’ve managed to make it to a place you didn’t think you’d be able to reach, and look at you now.

I know the past few years have been insanely difficult for you, even if people don’t acknowledge your struggle.

You’d been immersed into a battle against your biggest weakness and people mistook that for strength.

You’re good at putting a mask on, aren’t you? You’ve been trying to pull it off of your soul lately, I know you’ve been wanting to open your heart, and it’s been a challenge of sorts.

But you’re strong, and you’ll manage. You’ve got years to go, you do.

You need to stop thinking people don’t love you, because you aren’t as terrible as you believe yourself to be.

You need to stop overthinking in general, it only makes you more anxious than you already are, don’t let your brain destroy you, you are more than a simple worry.

You’re not worthless, you are worth it all. You deserve all the happiness that this life has to give you, and you should use that smile of yours to conquer the world.

You don’t need to worry about life anymore.

Promise me you will not conform to the ideals of society. Promise me you will smile until you can’t smile anymore. Promise me you won’t cry over the smallest things. Promise me you will be happy, you will strive for success and you will never give up.

16, it’s a big deal.

And it’s just the beginning.