Reason.

I’ve always thought that people enter your life for a reason.

That they wouldn’t exist in your immediate surroundings if they weren’t meant to teach you some kind of epic life lesson, as though each person tells a new tale, and weaves themselves a chapter that makes the entire story beautiful.

The good, the bad, and the ugly; it’s all meant to be.

And that’s why it hurts, because agony is merely a treasury trove of memories and happiness is fleeting but the people who cause both will forever mark your heart.

They remain inscribed inside the crevices of your heart, forever tiny little letters that cause you to skip a beat every time they are said out loud.

People are merely a passageway to your ultimate exhilaration, to a happiness that’s forever and a settling that you can only dream about.

Yet we give them too much importance. We forget that everyone is indispensable, a sort of trading system; in with the old, out with the new. And just as you recycle yourself, new people fit like puzzle pieces and leave you moments you can never forget.

They do not make you. You must remember that what they do or say to you, hardly makes you who you are. It’s never who you are.

You make yourself. Nobody else can take that away, and nobody else should, it is a right that has been burnt into your soul. Never let anyone take away who you are.

Stop destroying yourself to make everyone happy, it’ll never bring anything but despair.

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Staying.

i’m often undeserving of the love my friends give me. so completely unconditional, filled with such deep warmth that i cannot imagine how life would be without them.

i’ve learned to always pick carefully when i want to have people in my life. that knowing they’re the ones that’ll constantly guide me will be enough for my heart to fill part of it’s emptiness. i’m sure enough that love isn’t always what i think it is. it’s always more than just romance.

it’s like a deep connection, a bond that may or may not eventually break into two. but the memories you share, the worlds that you make together are always there, floating in the air, making it easy to reminisce about the days you spent crafting each other’s energies into one.

i know that this may not make sense, but when a friend leaves, the hurt will always stay. the hurt of a breakup will fade, but when a friend leaves, it’s like a small part of your soul has been chipped off. like the universe is carving your soul into something but the pain of the incision will always remain.

they go so easily, you see. disappear like they never meant anything to you. you see them around sometimes. you really don’t know who they’ve become. that’s the funny part about all this, the fact that when they leave you, you have no idea how they could change so much.

i imagine that broken friendships drift off into another universe. that there they prosper, unlike they did here. some people are toxic, so we raise the roof with joy that they have left us, but can’t help but feel a twinge of pain every time they’re mentioned to us. it’s almost funny how the same thing happens when you hear the name of an ex, who seems to be happy and you seem to… well not.

it’s always full circle, that’s what life is. an up and a down, a loss and a gain. you always lose someone to gain someone. i have lost many. but those i have gained and those who have stayed are those my heart will forever be indebted to.

that’s what love is, i think. staying.

Recovery.

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I realize that the love I deserve is much larger than the love you reluctantly hand out. And I’m tired of compromising, I’m tired of telling myself that it’ll get better, because I know that it won’t. I have searched for the answer in myself, and I know it.

I should’ve known the moment I saw the way you look at her.

She won’t pick up your pieces. She can’t fix you, you are broken beyond repair and you look for surrogates to hold your pain but you will never understand how it feels to conquer the sinking of your heart. She can’t help you, because she won’t. She doesn’t care. She never will.

I refuse to sit by and watch you allow yourself to be captivated by a lost cause because she is. And you are.

I am in awe at your ability to break those who have faith in you. Those who would go to the end of the world to save you. Those that would never doubt you. I am in awe at your ability to spite them.

You refuse to think of consequences, life is just a game, and you don’t know what to do or what to say. I’m not the only one that’s tired of your need to break those who would sacrifice for you. I am stranded with the ache of your confusion, and I know that my heart cannot contain your restlessness.

However, I’m shocked at my ability to feel the need to rescue you. Forget rescue you, rescue myself. Being around you was enough to make me let my guard down, to give up all thoughts of sense, to give up every emotion I had worked so hard to compress.

Why am I not capable of understanding that you can’t fix me? It’s not just you. No one can fix me. I cannot allow you to be a stepping stone to the goal of my survival. I am not a half that needs to become whole. I am already complete.

Everyone I’ve ever loved has been a way for me to fix myself. I have seen my pain as a beautiful tragedy, and love as my bitter remedy. I’ve realized now that if I keep my heart open, the price I’ll have to pay will consume me. Even the broken pieces of my mind and soul will turn to dust eventually. And after years of searching for the answer to my emptiness, I know it now.

You cannot be wrapped in a whirlwind of intense amour if you aren’t besotted with the complete being that you are.

Fallacy.

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I’ve been wondering how you have the ability to recklessly judge my character,

When you know my world revolves around your opinion,

When I’m ready to beg at your feet;

You tell your friends that you don’t want to be with that type of girl,

And I was confused because I didn’t think I was anyone but myself,

That I was some sort of reckless fallacy,

But you did.

All you could tell me,

All you could say was that my actions were a bullet in your heart,

Yet you knew it was you who shattered my soul,

And I believe that you would take me back if I stopped giving my body away,

But you never did.

 

And the irony was that the same boy who would beg for my body,

Would hate me if another did,

And that somehow I was at fault for being promiscuous,

That what I did with my body was for society to determine,

But it’s not.

 

And so now that you can’t look me in the eyes,

Know that my body was never yours,

And it never will be;

Because I’d rather be a fallacy than deal with your never-ending tragedy,

And even though I loved you,

I think I know better now.

Misery.

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I spend my days lifelessly counting my blessings, yet doing nothing about them.

I spend my life recklessly dreaming about boys who don’t care, and people who don’t matter.

I wonder how they have the ability to judge my character, yet I allow them to do so, without uttering one word.

Maybe they do speak the truth, yet is the truth worthy of pain?

I have fought, and struggled yet I am not what I wish to be, I am no where near who I wish to be. All I have done is believe in myself, but even the depths of my soul are beginning to lose faith.

I learn more from my failure then from my success. I edge over each milestone and rejoice yet agonise over each obstacle.

I am frustrated, I am frustrated with this fight, I cannot bear it any longer than I have willed myself to, yet I am still here, still strong, still fighting.

I am weary of this confusion. I do not know what my life has become, I do not know who I’ve become and I know that’ll soon be my downfall.

Perhaps I must venture into the unknown, fall into the traps of destruction and rise; rise and seek the root of my misery.

A Letter To The Boy I Love.

 
 
The world is an empty place, left to be lit by people that make you smile with each encounter, that drive you to the brink of insanity with each word, but leave you loving them more than anyone else, each and every time. 

You’ve done that to me.

You’ve taken me for a ride I’ll never recover from. I’ve travelled through a symphony of euphoria, and a cacophony of anguish, only to be left wondering what more to expect.

You’ve transformed me, and left me to myself. You’ve broken me, and never looked back. I blame myself for allowing you to infiltrate the walls that protect my heart, yet I blame you for capturing my soul and refusing to return it.

I’m road-rage, a manic disorder of epic proportions, and you accepted it. You saw the wonder in me, the beauty in the panic and the strength in my cries.

But I’ve changed since the day I met you. 

You have too, a mesmerising yet heartbreaking realisation that I wake up with everyday. I tell myself that you aren’t any different, but I know that you’ll never be the person you were before me.

And I’ll never be the same again. 

I know it’s not much.

But I’ll always love you.

Conquer.

 
Each day, I tend to wind myself a silk web of lies and rest my eyes, as I am weary of this limitless pain. It is an uphill battle, that’s almost impossible to win. 

Yet, I race against time, and I will never accept defeat.

Time has never been my friend, but it’ll never be my enemy. I shall always conquer it, no matter how hard it tries to escape.

We must remember that our lives define us, and if we keep pushing, we will always succeed. 

Time is just an obstacle, it’ll never deter anyone from true success.

I strive for survival in this dog-eat-dog world. It is cruel and daunting, yet completely rewarding, in a twisted way. 

We all have our purpose in this world, and once we’ve fulfilled it, we are at peace. 

But until that day, we must struggle to make a better version of ourselves.

So at the end of each day, when you wish to change who you are, and you wrap yourself in a web of lies, do not hate yourself. 

It is this hatred that stops you. 

Conquer your fears, and become who you truly are.