Reason.

I’ve always thought that people enter your life for a reason.

That they wouldn’t exist in your immediate surroundings if they weren’t meant to teach you some kind of epic life lesson, as though each person tells a new tale, and weaves themselves a chapter that makes the entire story beautiful.

The good, the bad, and the ugly; it’s all meant to be.

And that’s why it hurts, because agony is merely a treasury trove of memories and happiness is fleeting but the people who cause both will forever mark your heart.

They remain inscribed inside the crevices of your heart, forever tiny little letters that cause you to skip a beat every time they are said out loud.

People are merely a passageway to your ultimate exhilaration, to a happiness that’s forever and a settling that you can only dream about.

Yet we give them too much importance. We forget that everyone is indispensable, a sort of trading system; in with the old, out with the new. And just as you recycle yourself, new people fit like puzzle pieces and leave you moments you can never forget.

They do not make you. You must remember that what they do or say to you, hardly makes you who you are. It’s never who you are.

You make yourself. Nobody else can take that away, and nobody else should, it is a right that has been burnt into your soul. Never let anyone take away who you are.

Stop destroying yourself to make everyone happy, it’ll never bring anything but despair.

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Staying.

i’m often undeserving of the love my friends give me. so completely unconditional, filled with such deep warmth that i cannot imagine how life would be without them.

i’ve learned to always pick carefully when i want to have people in my life. that knowing they’re the ones that’ll constantly guide me will be enough for my heart to fill part of it’s emptiness. i’m sure enough that love isn’t always what i think it is. it’s always more than just romance.

it’s like a deep connection, a bond that may or may not eventually break into two. but the memories you share, the worlds that you make together are always there, floating in the air, making it easy to reminisce about the days you spent crafting each other’s energies into one.

i know that this may not make sense, but when a friend leaves, the hurt will always stay. the hurt of a breakup will fade, but when a friend leaves, it’s like a small part of your soul has been chipped off. like the universe is carving your soul into something but the pain of the incision will always remain.

they go so easily, you see. disappear like they never meant anything to you. you see them around sometimes. you really don’t know who they’ve become. that’s the funny part about all this, the fact that when they leave you, you have no idea how they could change so much.

i imagine that broken friendships drift off into another universe. that there they prosper, unlike they did here. some people are toxic, so we raise the roof with joy that they have left us, but can’t help but feel a twinge of pain every time they’re mentioned to us. it’s almost funny how the same thing happens when you hear the name of an ex, who seems to be happy and you seem to… well not.

it’s always full circle, that’s what life is. an up and a down, a loss and a gain. you always lose someone to gain someone. i have lost many. but those i have gained and those who have stayed are those my heart will forever be indebted to.

that’s what love is, i think. staying.

Keep.

I can’t seem to shake you. It’s been years, and the ghost of our memories haunt me like they want me to feel for you, but I’m left with nothing inside.

I can’t bring myself to love you again. Not because I can’t, not because it’ll break me, but because I don’t want to. You are no longer what fits into my definition of love. You haven’t been for a long time.

You see, I think I kept holding onto you because you gave me everything when I felt like I had nothing. You gave me purpose when I felt like mine had been tossed out to sea.

And now, you give me anger. You give me drunk texts and sordid pleas for help in finding someone to love but you don’t realise that no one I can give you will love you. No one I can give you will love you like I did, because no one can.

I say this with the strongest conviction, because I’ve learnt that every love is different. You see, you haven’t been my only love. You haven’t been the only one I can lean to when I’m in despair. In fact, now, you’re probably the last one.

Each love shapes you. It builds you and breaks you in ways that probably didn’t even exist before you met them. In ways that probably wouldn’t exist if you didn’t let them. The way I loved you, will be miles apart from the way the next girl will. She will take you and make you into a new being, she will give you everything I couldn’t and more.

But you’re impatient. You’re erratic and irrational and you want me one day but the next day you don’t. You refuse to realise that I’m not here for you anymore. More so, I’m not here to be your resident matrimonial guru or easy sleazy booty call, because I can’t. Because I don’t want to.

You ask me for things that bring me pain, say words that resonate in my mind for days to come and then apologise profusely as though it would counteract the ache that runs through my veins.

Some days, you don’t apologise at all.

People wonder why I let you back into my life constantly. I wonder as well. I’m beginning to think that the “soft spot” I have for you is just an excuse for me to walk back into the fleeting happiness you gave me. I can’t keep doing this anymore.

I can’t keep you anymore.